A matter of the heart...

I've not lost faith in God, I've lost interest in my church. Quite a dilemma. Nearly 3 years ago, our ministering staff was replaced. The senior pastor had been in this church for 11 years and the associate pastor had been there for 8. I was very close to both of them. They had been through a lot with me.

My late sister had been very ill for at least 6 of those years. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer about 4 years after I became a member. Both pastors prayed for her as well as me....asking for strength and courage for me, to help her face this disease and to encourage her to fight. And fight she did.

During this time period, not by my choice, I was involved in a federal investigation of my former employers. I was questioned (more like interrogated) by the FBI, INS, IRS and the Asst. US District Attorney as well as other Dept. of Justice underlings. I was called to testify against the men I worked for. It was a very stressful time by itself, but coupled with my sister's illness, I was a nervous wreck.

And then to top it off, I changed jobs and within a month, realized I had made a terrible mistake. I wondered what had happened to the nice guy who I had interviewed with and who had offered me the job. Three weeks after I started, he disappeared and a dragon headed twit emerged.

Anyway, I'm veering away from the matter (No - not me). With these three things happening in my life, both of my pastors were holding me up, by the bootstraps. With sympathetic hearts, they led me through it all. Then they were gone. The senior pastor retired after too many years of service and the associate went to his own, well earned, church to lead his flock.

We were assigned a veteran pastor who did not lead in the style I was used to. I didn't like him taking over 'my' church (Yeah, a little heady, ain't I?) And the associate was a female. A young, super smart college grad that I instantly disliked and haven't learned to accept to this day. She will be ordained in June and hopefully, transferred to another station.

The senior pastor is another matter. I have grown to like him and will miss him when he's gone (He's retiring in June). He's a big windbag, but he will be the first one to tell you so. I like that about him. I'm hoping that at reassignment time in June, we will get 2 new ones. One not a female. I'm old school.....I prefer a man to be my spiritual leader. Like in 'God, the Father'. I'm not saying that a woman is less holy or reverent or qualified, but I prefer a man as my pastor.

I know I should be getting ready to go to church this morning. I used to love going to my church. I would drive past it and get a smile in my heart because it was 'my church'. I don't feel that way anymore. If the associate pastor is preaching, within 2 minutes I'm grumbling under my breath and then doing my grocery list. If the senior is preaching I last a little longer, maybe 15 minutes before I fall asleep. The thrill isn't there.

And that's the dilemma. I feel very guilty for not attending the service but I feel worse if I go because in my heart, I really don't want to be there. Like I said, it's not that I've lost faith. I KNOW that God forgives me and loves me unconditionally, because every day, in every way, He reminds me and shows me. He speaks to my heart and I know He knows that I feel bad. He knows that I'm searching and I'm sure he's trying to show me a new way, but I'm not seeing it.

So here I sit, still in love with the Lord, but just not liking my church.

God bless you all.